All aboard the rollercoaster!!!!

It appears that I have been on a fantastic roller coaster ride for the past couple of weeks.  Slowly, slowly inching my way to the top.  And we all know what happens when we reach the top … we need to go back down.  

I am on my way back down. It’s a really weird feeling.  I loose all sense of time and place.  I feel like I am walking in fog and everything is in slow motion. For some reason, things are in slow motion so that I can analyse them.  I just got back from a fundraiser.  I watched people smiling, interacting and looking as though they don’t have a care in the world.  I know that is not necessarily the case.  

Watching these types of interactions and people just living, getting on with their lives and talking so freely about the future makes me feel withdrawn.  I feel as though there is a vortex sucking me away from these types of situations.  In the vortex are a few people, people just like me.  They are sitting there, waiting for me.  

I don’t want to go there.  

I want to be happy.

I want to be smiling.

I want emotional support, but I know that I don’t get it at home.  I know that I have to stop looking for it.  That makes me sad.

Chemo starts again tomorrow.

I need to buckle up.

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It’s working

Today is the last day of our roadtrip. I felt tired and a bit worn out whilst exploring Sovereign Hill.  

I stopped and acknowledged … my spirit was so happy to be here with my son and we were having such a nice time.  My body on the other hand wasn’t really keeping up with me.  I didn’t get upset or frustrated, I acknowledged that I needed to rest to let my body catch up.

So, devonshire tea was in order.  It was lovely and I had a good rest and was re-energised for the remainder of the afternoon.

I feel a sense of calm knowing that I am making progress on learning about my body and mind.

how to handle cancer

I think that I am slowly ‘getting it’.  On this road trip I have been fortunate enough to do some reading, writing and reflection.  Petrea King had a way of describing spirit and body.  I have always know that my spirit lives inside my body – but now I see that statement in a different way.

When I feel tired or sore I think have started to think that the vessel my spirit lives in (my body) is tired and needs help.  Not my spirit. My spirit feels healthy and happy.  I am not sure whether distancing myself from my body is a good thing. But, I do know it is making me feel happy and not so trapped in this crappy body.

The next stage …

Results are in … the cancer is not HER2.  Since I have become resistant to the hormone treatment I am going to undertake chemo.  

I feel ok about that but, I feel that I am on a train I don’t want to be a passenger on.  The biopsy made me feel like I have cancer. I mean in hospital, injections, stupid white pj’s etc.  I feel really well but I have cancer.  Now that I am doing chemo, that brings the cancer to the front of my mind.

I am currently on a road trip with my son.  So, my aim for this week is to flip this thinking around.  I need to acknowledge that I am very fortunate to have the opportunity to have chemo.  I also need to have a plan of things that I do every day to ensure my physical and mental health are at their best.

I am finding that books by Petrea King are very very helpful for me. I am now reading Quest for Life which I know is going to be life changing. Bring it on !!!

Liver biopsy

Yesterday I had a liver biopsy.  I would have to say that was the most revolting thing that I have ever had done.  I am very glad that it is behind me now.  

Again I wait … seven days until I get the results.

For some reason I was very emotional once the ‘procedure’ was done.  I had to lay flat for one hour, then three hours slightly inclined and I was not allowed to get off the bed.  

With tears rolling down my face and my husband stroking my head, I could feel love and support from family and friends.  I know that I was in the hearts and minds of people I love yesterday and that made a big difference to me.  I felt supported and loved.

I guess this is another positive of cancer.

Cancer makes me feel sad, lonely and scared

It has been awhile since I have made a post.  I had a short road trip then a case of food poisoning.  Lovely …

Many things have been rolling through my mind of late.  I guess the first thing is an update on my various cancers.

It appears that the lung cancer has resolved itself and the bone cancer is static. This is good news I think.

Bad news, some liver cancers have reduced in size whilst others have doubled in size.  One even has a halo around it I am told.  This is puzzling. I am scheduled to have a liver biopsy next week.  This is disappointing news because it basically means that my body has become resistant to the hormone therapy.  I was hoping to take this hormone therapy for a few years … not just three months.  Again I wait for the next step.

A lot of my time lately is spent waiting for appointments or results.  It is very hard to live in the moment.  I try to stop my mind from wondering, but I can’t help but feel like I am in limbo.  

My children have asked that I don’t keep them in the dark about any results I receive. So, I was honest with them.  This recent news has really rocked their worlds.  I hate to see them so upset.  I feel so responsible.  Intellectually I know it is not my fault.  Emotionally I feel like it is my fault because they are crying because of me.

Having a disease like cancer is so hard to deal with on so many levels. It is exhausting trying to keep myself on track.  However, I think that I am getting better.

Some days I receive support from my husband, other days he is missing in action.  I think it is a mix of denial and retreat to the man cave.  I find this unhelpful and isolating. It also makes me feel responsible for upsetting the family and also makes me feel responsible for the extra financial pressure I am incurring. What does he want me to say … don’t worry about treatment, don’t worry about family counselling, I feel great, I think I will go out and get a full time job whilst I bury my head in the sand.  I am trying to be empathetic but why does he make me feel like this?? 

Aside

and the hits keep on coming …

I just found out that my cancer markers are on the rise. Lovely …

So, before I book my ‘dream’ trip I need to have scans and a follow up appointment.  I AM SOOO MAD!!!

I also feel sick because I just ate a big bag of chocolate bullets ….

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