Cancer makes me feel sad, lonely and scared

It has been awhile since I have made a post.  I had a short road trip then a case of food poisoning.  Lovely …

Many things have been rolling through my mind of late.  I guess the first thing is an update on my various cancers.

It appears that the lung cancer has resolved itself and the bone cancer is static. This is good news I think.

Bad news, some liver cancers have reduced in size whilst others have doubled in size.  One even has a halo around it I am told.  This is puzzling. I am scheduled to have a liver biopsy next week.  This is disappointing news because it basically means that my body has become resistant to the hormone therapy.  I was hoping to take this hormone therapy for a few years … not just three months.  Again I wait for the next step.

A lot of my time lately is spent waiting for appointments or results.  It is very hard to live in the moment.  I try to stop my mind from wondering, but I can’t help but feel like I am in limbo.  

My children have asked that I don’t keep them in the dark about any results I receive. So, I was honest with them.  This recent news has really rocked their worlds.  I hate to see them so upset.  I feel so responsible.  Intellectually I know it is not my fault.  Emotionally I feel like it is my fault because they are crying because of me.

Having a disease like cancer is so hard to deal with on so many levels. It is exhausting trying to keep myself on track.  However, I think that I am getting better.

Some days I receive support from my husband, other days he is missing in action.  I think it is a mix of denial and retreat to the man cave.  I find this unhelpful and isolating. It also makes me feel responsible for upsetting the family and also makes me feel responsible for the extra financial pressure I am incurring. What does he want me to say … don’t worry about treatment, don’t worry about family counselling, I feel great, I think I will go out and get a full time job whilst I bury my head in the sand.  I am trying to be empathetic but why does he make me feel like this?? 

Aside