It has been awhile since I have made a post. I had a short road trip then a case of food poisoning. Lovely …
Many things have been rolling through my mind of late. I guess the first thing is an update on my various cancers.
It appears that the lung cancer has resolved itself and the bone cancer is static. This is good news I think.
Bad news, some liver cancers have reduced in size whilst others have doubled in size. One even has a halo around it I am told. This is puzzling. I am scheduled to have a liver biopsy next week. This is disappointing news because it basically means that my body has become resistant to the hormone therapy. I was hoping to take this hormone therapy for a few years … not just three months. Again I wait for the next step.
A lot of my time lately is spent waiting for appointments or results. It is very hard to live in the moment. I try to stop my mind from wondering, but I can’t help but feel like I am in limbo.
My children have asked that I don’t keep them in the dark about any results I receive. So, I was honest with them. This recent news has really rocked their worlds. I hate to see them so upset. I feel so responsible. Intellectually I know it is not my fault. Emotionally I feel like it is my fault because they are crying because of me.
Having a disease like cancer is so hard to deal with on so many levels. It is exhausting trying to keep myself on track. However, I think that I am getting better.
Some days I receive support from my husband, other days he is missing in action. I think it is a mix of denial and retreat to the man cave. I find this unhelpful and isolating. It also makes me feel responsible for upsetting the family and also makes me feel responsible for the extra financial pressure I am incurring. What does he want me to say … don’t worry about treatment, don’t worry about family counselling, I feel great, I think I will go out and get a full time job whilst I bury my head in the sand. I am trying to be empathetic but why does he make me feel like this??